Saturday, July 16, 2011

Open heart

Joni's biological father just called.  He is doing okay. He wrote Joni a letter at camp, so he's getting over his own issues enough to reach out to her.  I hope that he can understand that her anger is partly a response to his actions, and that he keeps trying even when she does not respond.  Over the years, I have been angry at him, hurt, bitter, and really I can't think of any more good adjectives, but there has been a great deal of pain stemming from our relationship.  Still, I want him to do well.  It's more than ten years since I've had romantic feelings for him; I can't imagine wanting that kind of relationship now.  I don't think of him often, but I do wish good life things for him with an open heart.  I may limit my exposure to people who tax me, but how can I judge?  I don't like everything that has transpired, but.....personally, I am at peace.

I wish that I were more vindictive sometimes. I would cleanly and decisively divide people into good and evil.  But that would not be me.  Even the most negative emotions merge too easily into acceptance.  My default way of looking at people is to understand them, which really means, to love them.  I'm not a people person, nor do I want to converse at length with many.  But I do love humanity,  individual by individual, in my somewhat aloof way.  And Joni's father....bless him.  It's out of my hands.

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