Saturday, April 17, 2010

Analyzing through rose-colored glasses

When I'm not in a cynical mood, you'll find me under a sky hung with violins wearing my rose-colored glasses.

I really do mull things over. Exhaustively, tediously, and to the irritation of everyone close to me, I weigh this side against that in irrelevant detail. Blame my moon in Gemini.

Sometimes an idea comes my way. It comes like a flash. My heart adopts a hungry, attentive rhythm while I pursue the idea. I check things out. I mull, yes I mull. But my mind is made up. This seed will be planted. I am confident that it will bloom.

You may see me jumping off the cliff into uncharted waters, but I have done my soul-searching, and analyzing. I know that I will land safely.

It was like this when I decided to give birth to JJ. This was a hare-brained idea from a certain perspective, but led by some mysterious force, I made a sure decision. I examined what I then considered exhaustive lists of the pros and cons of raising a child alone. At times I doubted/doubt my ability to mother, but I chose motherhood in an inspirational flash for which no words exist. It was the same way when I decided to travel to Boulder for Montessori training. I took out a loan, and planned logistics in about two months. I had no Montessori job waiting. I had a four year old child... Was I rash? ill-advised? Definitely. But it was also one of the most worthwhile, and even healing things that I've done in my life.

I used to go to Quaker meetings. There one sits in silence until moved to speak. When I am moved to speak, the air around me changes. My heart pounds. It is time to talk, and my words are true. Without this feeling, no matter how much I want to speak, my words come out wrong.

When I deliberate over which path to take without the benefit of inspiration, results vary. I got married and that didn't work so well. I listed pros and cons, but never had that inspirational flash signifying that I must go forward. On the other hand, getting a credit card has been a positive experience based on the same deliberation without inspiration.

I have been called naively optimistic, probably with some degree of accuracy. I tell you though, when the spirit calls me to take action, I have not yet been disappointed.

2 comments:

  1. Dearest Kale,

    I have goosebumps reading this. I once knew, even if a bit vaguely, the skinny young girl in the passport photo and I always enjoyed her. I've been reading blogs for years and this one just rocketed to the top of the list. (And not just because I love kale!)

    Lisa

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  2. I didn't see your comment until today, but thank you, Lisa. Viva Williamsburg!

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